In a move shocking absolutely no one, Texas Governor Greg Abbott announced Wednesday a full statewide ban on Pride flags in public schools. Flanked by a Texas flag and a curious framed photo of Charlie Kirk, Abbott declared:
“This is Texas, not TikTok. The only flags we recognize are the American flag, the Texas flag, and the oversized Cowboys banner Jerry Jones sent me last Christmas.”
The directive, modeled after Utah’s recent ban, bars rainbow flags, inclusive posters, and even unicorn stickers “with too much glitter.” Instead, Abbott encouraged schools to decorate with “real Texan symbols” such as oil rigs, steakhouse coupons, and faded Ronald Reagan portraits.
Teachers, exhausted by ever-changing rules, expressed frustration. “First we stripped the library of half the books. Now I’ve gotta tell kids their rainbow art is illegal?” sighed one Houston teacher. “At this rate, I’ll be teaching Shakespeare with finger puppets made out of H-E-B receipts.”
Parents, predictably, split along partisan lines. Conservative groups cheered online with memes of eagles crushing rainbow flags. One father wrote, “Finally, back to basics—like teaching kids to field dress a deer by age nine.” Progressive parents, meanwhile, questioned the lesson. “My son just wanted a rainbow pin for his sister,” said one Austin mom. “Now the school says he’ll get a replacement pin that says ‘Howdy.’”
To enforce the rules, Abbott unveiled the “Wokeness Patrol,” a volunteer force in cowboy hats and mirrored sunglasses tasked with removing contraband rainbows. Early casualties include rainbow sprinkles at a school bake sale—replaced by plain cornbread muffins, which students described as “sad but compliant.”
Satirists wasted no time. Memes mocked Abbott’s crusade: “No rainbows, Timmy. Only tumbleweeds.” Students staged walkouts, brandishing rainbow shoelaces and inflatable unicorns while livestreaming the protests on TikTok.
Critics argue the ban is less about education and more about culture war theatrics. “What’s next—banning sunsets? Arresting Lucky Charms?” one analyst quipped.
For Abbott’s base, however, the move is proof Texas will “hold the line.” For students, it’s just another grown-up squabble to dodge—one they’ll likely turn into a rainbow flood online.
**Note: This is satire. It’s not real.**
