She was working long shifts to save up for a car while also dealing with a heart arrhythmia, a condition that causes an irregular heartbeat. As a result, her grades started slipping.
Rather than risk damaging her academic record, Muthart made the difficult choice to step away from school for a while.
By the time she turned 18, Muthart had started drinking socially and smoking weed regularly, all while holding down a part-time job.
Speaking to Cosmopolitan, she revealed that addiction was something that ran in her family, stating: “I actively avoided what I considered more serious drugs.”
Although she had always been religious, this particular experience made her feel an even deeper connection to God. She later suspected that the weed had been laced with either cocaine or meth.
Feeling betrayed by the friend who gave it to her, she decided to quit her job to distance herself from him.
With no job and no clear direction, Muthart’s life started unraveling. She turned to drinking and smoking more to cope with everything.
Not long after, she started using Xanax, a drug known for its calming effects that help reduce anxiety and promote relaxation.
Even after finding a new job, she still struggled with loneliness and depression.
Looking back on that time, she told Cosmopolitan: “I remembered the way I felt on the laced weed and sought that kind of peace again.”
During that experience, she began hallucinating and spent an hour compulsively picking at her skin until she bled.
Embarrassed by the visible wounds, she started missing work, eventually leading to her being fired.
She recalled: “While on ecstasy, I studied the Bible. I misinterpreted a lot of it. I convinced myself that meth would bring me even closer to God.”
“So, after Thanksgiving, when I was feeling particularly lonely, I smoked meth with a friend. Within two months, I progressed to snorting it, then shooting it as often as I could by myself or with friends.”
She tried to quit “two or three times,” but each attempt failed. Her mother desperately tried to get her into rehab or psychiatric care, but without proof that Muthart was a danger to herself, she couldn’t legally force her into treatment.
She told her mother she was in control, avoiding conversations about her condition. However, she eventually agreed to meet her.
During their meeting, Muthart’s mother secretly recorded their conversation, capturing her saying that the world was “too evil.” Her mom believed this would be enough proof to obtain a court order to have her committed.
The following morning, still high and hallucinating, she found herself wandering along a railroad track.
She recalled: “It was then I remember thinking that someone had to sacrifice something important to right the world, and that person was me,”
At that moment, she saw a man she had been staying with, whose name happened to be biblical. When he called out to her, she took it as a divine sign.
Believing she had to act, she used her fingers to gouge out her own eyes, pressing her thumb, pointer, and middle finger into each socket.
The meth dulled the pain, allowing her to carry out the gruesome act.
He later described seeing her still holding onto her own eyeballs, which, though crushed, were somehow still attached.
Emergency responders arrived at the scene, sedated her, and airlifted her to Greenville Memorial Hospital in South Carolina.
To prevent further complications and reduce the risk of infection, doctors performed emergency surgery to remove what was left of her eyes.
During her week-long stay in the hospital, she was offered pain medication, but she only accepted it once or twice. Determined to stay clean, she refused most of the drugs.
Though adjusting to life without sight has been challenging, Muthart remains hopeful for the future and still dreams of becoming a marine biologist.
She reflected on her journey, saying: “It took losing my sight to get me back on the right path, but from the bottom of my heart, I’m so glad I’m here.”
