After decades of celebrities sobbing on Jimmy Kimmel and hens clucking on *The View*, ABC executives have officially pulled the plug. In a bombshell announcement, the network revealed both shows are canceled and will be replaced with *For God and Ratings: The Charlie Kirk Hour*.
“America doesn’t want Kimmel’s tears or Whoopi’s sighs,” said one exhausted ABC executive. “They want Charlie Kirk pointing at graphs he doesn’t understand while saluting the flag.”
**Goodbye, Kimmel and The View**
Kimmel, once the nation’s bedtime babysitter, is out. His trademark mix of pranks, half-hearted monologues, and sudden bursts of tears reportedly no longer plays. “If America wanted to watch a middle-aged man cry, we’d just rerun *The Bachelor*,” quipped an ABC spokesperson.
Meanwhile, *The View* finally met its end after years of what critics called “a poultry farm on Adderall.” Executives admitted the constant interruptions and Joy Behar’s laugh had become workplace hazards. The official press release simply read: *“No more hens.”*
**Enter Charlie Kirk**
Kirk’s new program will air in both *The View’s* and Kimmel’s slots, giving America wall-to-wall patriotism. Each episode features Kirk ranting about pronouns behind a desk shaped like the Constitution while an audience of Ford truck owners waves Chick-fil-A sandwiches.
Segments include:
* *Socialism in Your Fridge* — Kirk checks refrigerators for communist milk.
* *Patriot or Traitor?* — audience members guess if celebrities are real Americans or Canadians.
* *Charlie’s Corner* — bedtime readings of his old tweets.
**Conservatives Cheer, Liberals Groan**
Fox News hailed the move as “the greatest decision since the moon landing.” Trump called Kirk “taller than Lincoln.” Elizabeth Warren compared the show to “Sesame Street with guns,” while Obama reportedly sighed for three minutes straight.
**Closing Thoughts**
Whether *The Charlie Kirk Hour* soars or flames out, ABC executives don’t care. “The hens are gone, the tears are dried,” one said proudly. “We gave America what it wanted: Charlie Kirk yelling about pronouns in front of a giant flag.”
**NOTE: This is satire. It’s not true.**
