When you first started dating, you and your partner couldn’t keep your hands off each other. Weekends were often spent tangled up in bed, reluctantly leaving only to show up late to social events you couldn’t quite find a reason to skip. But fast forward a year or two, and now the only excitement in your bedroom seems to come from the assortment of vibrators tucked away in your nightstand drawer. The truth is, relationships often evolve once the honeymoon phase ends. As you grow more comfortable with each other, you might stop prioritizing your relationship the way you once did, and the spontaneous, passionate sex may naturally decline. But what should you do if you suddenly realize your relationship has become completely sexless?
Dr. Dana McNeil, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explains that a sexless relationship is defined by the absence of sex becoming a problem for at least one partner. This can lead to feelings of emotional distress, insecurity, or overall dissatisfaction with the relationship.
For most people, sexual fulfillment plays a key role in maintaining a healthy long-term partnership. However, the bigger issue often isn’t the lack of sex itself, but the fact that it goes unspoken. “Many partners, often unintentionally, downplay or ignore the problem because they don’t know how to address it or feel embarrassed,” McNeil says. “But this only makes things worse.” If you’re feeling unhappy in this area, here are some suggestions to help you move forward—and hopefully bring back the spark to your sex life.
Key Contributors to a Sexless Relationship
Couples stop having regular sex for many reasons, and every relationship is unique. According to Dr. McNeil, the most common cause of a sexless marriage or partnership is simply exhaustion from everyday life. You wake up early, go for a run, work all day, call your family, make dinner, and before you know it, it’s 10 p.m. and you’re completely wiped out on the couch. Then the same routine repeats itself the next day.
“Often, couples fall into the habit of ‘being in a relationship’ without actively nurturing their connection,” McNeil explains. “Sex can start to feel like just another item on a never-ending to-do list. After a long, demanding day, the idea of having to ‘perform’ sexually loses its appeal.”
Significant betrayals, ongoing resentment, or unresolved conflicts can also lead to a decline in sex and intimacy. Even minor irritations—like dirty dishes left in the sink or laundry not folded—can build up over time, causing one partner to lose interest.
“Withdrawing from intimacy can become a protective barrier for a partner who feels emotionally hurt,” McNeil says. “Sometimes, avoiding sex is a way to regain a sense of control within the relationship.”
It’s also crucial to recognize that physical health issues, injuries, or certain medications can impact your sex life. For example, if your partner is struggling with depression or taking antidepressants, it may reduce their libido.
Talking Honestly About the Lack of Sex in Your Relationship
The good news is that sexless relationships don’t have to remain that way forever. To address the issue and change the dynamic, it’s essential to first understand your own feelings about the situation.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Lesli Doares suggests beginning with self-reflection: identify your beliefs and expectations around sex and what role you want it to play in your relationship. Ask yourself questions like, “Why haven’t we been having sex? Is it just a matter of being busy, or is there something deeper going on? How do I currently feel about my partner? How important is sex to me? Can I really accept a lack of sex in our relationship?”
Once you’ve gained clarity on your feelings, you can approach your partner with an open, honest conversation about why the absence of sex concerns you. It’s vital to avoid blaming language, so try using “I” statements. For example, “I’ve noticed we haven’t been intimate lately, and it’s making me feel disconnected from you.” This approach centers the discussion on your feelings and helps reduce the risk of an argument.
It’s also important to be open to the idea that your own actions might be part of the problem and to show empathy toward your partner’s perspective. “A conversation is a two-way street,” Doares reminds us. “You need to listen to their thoughts, feelings, and expectations, too. That’s often where solutions begin.” If past attempts to discuss this topic have resulted in fights, consider seeking help from a therapist or mediator who can guide a healthier dialogue.
For couples who feel very distant, Dr. Dana McNeil recommends trying “sensate touch.” This involves being fully present—putting away phones and distractions—and focusing on the sensation of touching and being touched by your partner. The goal is to nurture intimacy rather than focusing on sex itself. This practice can help rebuild emotional safety and closeness.
McNeil adds, “When couples haven’t been intimate for a while, there’s often pressure to have sex that ‘works’ perfectly for both partners. This expectation can be unrealistic. Instead, rekindling a sense of familiarity, desire, connection, and intimate awareness of each other’s bodies—without the pressure of sex—can help reignite the desire to be intimate again.”
Signs It’s Time to Walk Away from a Sexless Relationship
If you’ve had honest conversations with your partner about the lack of intimacy and see no signs of change, this could be a major red flag in your relationship. According to Dr. Dana McNeil, “A person who doesn’t show empathy, concern, compassion, or interest in considering their partner’s needs has deeper intimacy issues than just not having sex.” If your partner becomes defensive, lashes out, or refuses to seek help together—like going to therapy—these behaviors might indicate they aren’t the right long-term partner for you.
Sometimes, couples simply discover they are sexually incompatible. Your libidos might not match, or your sexual needs and desires could be fundamentally different. The key question here is: how important is sex to you in a relationship? If your partner’s lower sexual desire is a dealbreaker for you, staying in a sexless relationship will likely leave you feeling increasingly unfulfilled, which can lead to further emotional distance and other relationship issues over time.
It’s important not to ignore your needs. If intimacy is essential to your happiness, don’t be afraid to walk away from a relationship that isn’t meeting you halfway. Remember, there is someone out there whose desires and values align more closely with yours — and who will be a better fit for your emotional and physical connection.
