I’ve been on my fair share of bad dates, but nothing could have prepared me for Eric.

Mia set us up, raving about how he was “one of the good ones”—the kind of guy who opens doors, remembers your coffee order, and insists on paying. “He’s chivalrous, not cheap,” she promised.

And at first, he seemed perfect. He brought flowers. He asked thoughtful questions. He even had one of those warm, crinkly-eyed smiles that made me forget I was nervous. When the check arrived, he waved off my wallet with a confident, “I’ve got this.”

I should’ve asked why.

The next morning, my phone buzzed with a message from him. I expected something sweet. Maybe a “Can’t stop thinking about last night.”

Instead, I got a PDF.

An actual PDF.

DATE RECEIPT
Services Rendered:

  • Flowers: 1 physical affection (hug/kiss)

  • Dinner: 1 follow-up date (non-negotiable)

  • Not Talking About My Ex: 1 ego boost (tell me I’m handsome)

I blinked. Reread it. Blinked again.

Mia’s response was immediate: “WHAT IN THE INCEL HELL IS THIS?”

Chris, Eric’s best friend, was mortified. “I’ve known him for ten years and never saw this coming,” he said. Then, being the petty king he is, he retaliated with his own invoice:

Wasting Kelly’s Time: $500 (payable in shame)
Still Being Friends With You After This: Apparently, I’m a saint

Eric’s reply? “Wow. So much for loyalty.”

I blocked him, kept the keychain as a trophy, and learned a valuable lesson: If a guy demands to pay, ask for an itemized receipt before dessert.

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