A common phrase that women often use during intimacy might seem encouraging, but some men feel it creates ‘performance pressure’ instead of enhancing passion.
Discussing preferences in the bedroom is generally viewed positively, with couples encouraged to communicate openly about aspects like pace, positions, and what feels pleasurable.
However, according to sex experts and men sharing their thoughts online, one phrase that appears supportive can sometimes have an unintended effect.
‘Causes feelings of insecurity’
For certain men, the phrase “Don’t stop, harder” can induce pressure rather than excitement.
One Reddit user shared that he frequently hears this from female partners, particularly during more intense moments, but it can make him feel like he must exceed his natural limits.
“As a male, I often hear this from my female partners,” he noted.
Instead of interpreting the words as compliments, he feels an urge to give his all, even when it becomes uncomfortable.
“I tend to push myself in these situations until it gets uncomfortable, which sometimes leads to losing my erection. It just brings up insecurities that I might be a sexual disappointment,” the user elaborated.
‘Performance pressure’
Sex and relationships expert Gigi Engle notes that reactions to this term can differ significantly. Many men find it appealing, but issues arise when there’s an assumption that everyone reacts similarly.
“The problem occurs when we think it’s universally exciting to hear this, while for some, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy if they think they can’t finish quickly enough,” Engle shared in a recent interview with Metro.
“Others might be giving it their all and then feel like, ‘I guess I’m not good enough,’ which can lead to performance pressure.”
Alec Williams, a BACP-registered psychotherapist who assists men facing relational trauma, frequently encounters this pressure.
“For many men, this can create a self-perpetuating cycle,” Williams told Metro. “They become so fixated on performance and ‘getting it right’ that they become trapped in their own thoughts.
“This can naturally impact their physical responses, often resulting in lost erections or an inability to orgasm, which adds more internal pressure for future encounters.”
Shame spiral
Performance anxiety is not the only concern highlighted by experts. Engle mentioned that in some instances, the phrase can have the opposite effect, leading a man to “prematurely ejaculate due to excessive stimulation.”
“If they’re close to ejaculating and you say, ‘don’t stop, harder,’ they might just ejaculate, which can trigger a shame spiral,” she clarified.
Even in the absence of mental stress, attempting to respond with increased speed and intensity can quickly become tiring.
“If you’re pushing yourself harder or more energetically than you prefer, it can drain your energy, and fatigue may lead to a decrease in your erection or cause delayed ejaculation,” Engle explained. “It can also
Communication is key
Both experts agree that the solution isn’t to stop communicating; rather, it’s important for partners to grasp what each other means.
“Firstly, harder doesn’t always equate to faster; it can refer to deeper thrusts that are actually slow,” Engle noted. “It doesn’t necessarily imply intense, vigorous movements, and most people don’t enjoy that anyway.”
Requesting clarification, she added, can help ease some of the pressure.
“When your partner provides context for what they’re saying, it can be very beneficial in relieving that pressure.”
Williams supported this advice, stating that honest discussions can create a more secure and less stressful intimate experience.
“Engaging in an open dialogue with your partner about your feelings during sex, and what could enhance your sense of safety and connection, could be very effective.”
Are there any phrases that completely kill the mood for you? We’d love to hear your thoughts, so please share and pass this story along to gather more opinions!
